I’m walking along the sidewalk…

We’re walking along a beautiful Verdun, Quebec sidewalk.

I’m with my best friend, my sister Shayna.

It’s Sunday so we get up early, get dressed and start our day.

We love Sundays because we got cookies and goodies at the churches.

During the week we’d just go to Steinberg’s downstairs and steal food.

But, not on Sundays!!

We make our way down the long Verdun sidewalks

Stopping at every church we pass.

And let me tell you, we knew our way around the streets.

We own them.

We knew where all the churches around Verdun were.

And when we wandered a bit too far, we knew it!

It’s me and Shay against the world.

I am happy.

I was born happy.

I love my sister so much.

And for the most part she takes good care of us.

We walk into our first church of the day.

The line is always so long.

We wait patiently.

The man puts that weird tasting food in my mouth.

It’s not the best, but it’s a start to finding our food for the day. We leave and walk to the next church.

I am 5 and Shayna’s 6 years old.

We’re walking along the cold LaSalle, Quebec sidewalk.

We’re cold and hungry on our way to school.

It starts snowing.

It’s a long walk and we’re dilly dallying.

We go into the shopping center instead.

It’s warm in there and there’s food.

We don’t go to school that day.

I am 8 and Shayna’s 9 years old.

I’m walking along the sidewalk in Surrey BC.

It’s a beautiful summer night.

But I miss my sister.

I don’t want to go home.

Mom’s mad at me again for stealing her welfare check.

You see, I stole the money so my friend could buy a bus ticket back home to Saskatchewan.

But now it’s past midnight.

So, I started making my way home.

I cut through the park across the street from my house.

I see some lights are still on.

I wanna be inside getting along with my family so badly.

But I don’t know how to.

I love them so much.

But I don’t think they love me anymore.

I can understand why.

I hear something behind me!!

I turned around quickly!!

There’s a man right behind me!!!

OMG! I’m terrified, frozen in fear!!

I check out of reality.

I protect myself mentally and black out.

I am 13 years old.

I’m walking along the sidewalk in New Westminster B.C. It’s raining.

I’m cold, tired and hungry.

I’m walking by nice houses looking inside their cozy lives.

Soft lamps glowing, families watching TV together.

They all look so normal and happy.

I want that so badly it hurts.

I keep walking.

Wondering if I’ll ever have that.

I know there’s something very wrong with me.

I always feel like a loser.

A nobody that nobody wants.

Not even me.

I have a family who loves me.

Afterall, I am a mother.

I miss my sons.

Why can’t I just take care of them like other mothers do?

I keep walking wondering why do I always have to be outside looking in?

I am 18 years old.

I’m walking along the sidewalk in Surrey B.C.

It’s a crisp night.

I’m exhausted, I can barely keep walking.

I stole my new shoes in a size too small and my feet are killing me.

I think about my family.

I wonder what they’re doing right now.

I miss them so much.

I show up at mom’s door unannounced.

She is so surprised!

She’s always so happy to see me.

It’s been at least a month since she’s known for sure her baby girl was still alive.

I know she sleeps light every night.

So, when the police knock on her door in the middle of the night to tell her I’m dead

she’ll hear them knocking.

I eat and pass out.

I love you mom.

I am 22 years old.

I’m walking along the sidewalk in New Westminster BC. It’s a cool winter day.

I’m freaking out!!

Today Jesse is 9 years old!!!

It’s a day to be spent with my family.

I love them so much.

I called my mom yesterday to let her know I will be at her house today for Jesse’s birthday.

She sounded relieved but scared.

She told me that she didn’t have a dime for his party.

I told her I’d come with the cake, ice cream, food and presents.

I was surprised.

Mom usually always has her shit together for my kids.

 Afterall, she is raising them.

Thank God!!!!

But I’m freaking out cause its Jesse’s birthday,

It’s noon and I’m trying to sell a few grams of pot on the streets

to get enough money for the party this afternoon.

Mom’s counting on me.

Jesse has 6 or so friend’s he’s invited.

 I decide to not call and communicate with them until I have money.

Finally, I sell a gram!

But can’t sell another one.

It was a slow day on the street being Sunday.

I’m getting tired and discouraged.

I buy a fix to keep me going.

Once my ears stop ringing,

I get up and continue walking the streets looking for people wanting to buy pot.

I hear someone yelling “Mom! Mom!!”

I turn toward the yelling.

It’s Jesse and Josh in the back seat of my mom’s car.

Holy fuck I’m too high for this right now.

I walk over to the car.

My mom’s boyfriend is in the front seat.

I give the boys a hug.

Mom’s boyfriend says, “if I were you Tam, I’d get out of here before your mom comes out.”

I ask him where she is.

He says she’s pawning something inside to pay for Jesse’s party.

I quickly hugged the boy’s goodbye and walked away.

With them calling out to me.

I can still hear them yelling for me to come back

I keep walking and turn the corner as fast as I can.

I am 26 years old.

I’m walking along the sidewalk in Edmonton, Alberta.

I’m 8 months pregnant with my 4th child.

It’s rush hour, downtown.

It’s a beautiful summer day.

I’m higher than a kite on crystal meth.

It’s so weird cause I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was about 5 months along.

One day I felt a movement in my stomach.

And that’s how I knew I was pregnant.

I haven’t been to the Dr yet.

But I’m gonna go soon.

I walk over to a crowded bus loop area.

There are tons of people waiting for different buses.

Tired after a long day’s work probably.

Omg! Jesse’s on one of the buses.

He’s calling me “mom!”.

I run across the loop to the bus.

I get on,

I look around trying to find him.

Hmmm… that’s weird.

He’s not here.

Where’d he go?

Then Josh starts calling me from a different bus.

I run over to the bus and get on.

It’s packed solid with people just waiting to take off.

I look around the crowded bus and can’t find him either.

I call down the bus “Josh!”

What the hell is going on?

He just called me from this bus. …

The bus driver wants to leave.

He asks me for transit fare.

But I’m still thinking about where Jesse and Josh are.

Someone offers me their seat up front.

I sit down

Thankfully, the bus is starting to empty.

I can at least see everyone on the bus.

I look down and wow!

It’s my 3rd child Madison.

She’s 2 years old.

She’s standing right in front of me.

Her arms are up for me to pick her up.

I love all my kids so much.

I reach down to pick her up.

She disappears into thin air, just like that!

I look up and the whole bus is staring at me.

They look scared, shocked, traumatized and sad all at the same time.

 They’re making me uncomfortable.

The bus stops and I get off.

I am 30 years old.

I’m walking along the sidewalk in Montreal, Quebec. It’s a beautiful summer day.

It’s been a while, I just got out of the pen.

I miss the sidewalk.

I won’t get used to it though I’m only on the sidewalk for a couple of days.

I just got out on my ⅔ rds.

That means I’ve still got ¼ of my 2-year sentence to complete.

But I’m out on the street again this time in a halfway house.

I can’t stand THEM.

THEY know I’m a returning loyal customer.

I keep THEM in business.

THEY are all employed because of me.

Bunch of fuckers.

THEY guaranteed my loyalty for life.

By continuously releasing me back into society without any rehabilitation by THEM.

And by THEM setting such unreasonable conditions.

No crime.

Make every appointment with THEM.

Follow the halfway houses rules.

Piss clean.

Four of my infinite weak spots.

I’ve been on parole or probation all my life.

Well sorry I exaggerated.

Since I was 19 years old, I’ve been on either probation or parole.

I go get high.

I walk to the mall.

I’m sitting in the cop shop.

I call my mom.

They love it when I’m in jail because nobody worries about my junkie ass.

They can sleep a bit harder tonight.

I hope I stop doing this to them soon.

Jesse answers the phone.

He’s older.

He’s angrier

For the first time in his life, I could hear something that scared the shit out of me in his voice. Something I’ve never heard before.

Wait!! No!! Jesse come back!! Please …omg!!!

He’s finally realized I’m a complete loser!!

He’s done with my shit.

He was expecting me to go see them this weekend.

Without answering me he quietly passes the phone to my mother.

I break out in a huge rash.

I start to itch and get hives all over my body.

Mom tells me it’s nerves.

I lay down in my cell and settle in.

At least moms happy.

I love you so much mom.

I’m 35 years old.

I’m walking along the sidewalk in Cowansville, Quebec

I meet someone lost and just wandering around in survival too.

He’s a mess.

I’m a mess.

It’s a match made in hell.

But he is loyal to the end, the quality I loved about him the most.

We trip together high on speed.

Jesse is struggling with addiction in Edmonton, Alberta

I haven’t spoken to him in a couple of years.

Josh is serving a prison sentence I

n Montreal, Quebec.

Madison is going through her teens without a mother. Thank God for mom who has both Maddy and Samantha.

 Sam’s starting high school and it’s starting to get wild at home.

Belle is my 5th child,

who I haven’t seen in a couple of years.

I am 42 years old

To be continued…

 Box #2 on home page same set up as box #1 leads to writings page though.. here it is… its called Settling into The Big House

I found myself alone, somewhere in Port Coquitlam, British Columbia, just standing there in the middle of a room barefoot, surrounded by people I didn’t know. I had no idea how I got there, who I came with, why I was there or where my shoes were.

The environment slowly started coming into focus. Almost like I would imagine teleporting myself would be like. I just became conscious of it, is more likely, out of nowhere. I was at a house party, I started hearing the music, it was loud and aggressive. Everyone was high on acid. I was standing there barefoot.

The next thing I remember Is sitting in the passenger side of a car with someone I knew years before from Montreal, Quebec, Danny McLeod!! Like WTF? I was still barefoot. I guess I knew at the time, but I’d forgotten how we met up in the first place, and other than Danny explaining to me many years later when we found each other on Facebook, I still wouldn’t have had a clue!

He told me that he’d moved to B.C from Montreal shortly after I had, and he just happened to end up at the same party as me all the way across the country, where he, BTW didn’t know anyone at the party either, other than me!! That was the first time I realized how small the world really was.

I have a fuzzy memory flash of stopping at a store and loading up Danny’s trunk with cases of Kokanee Beer. I guess our plan was to bring our friends back home in Montreal a good beer. At that time Kokanee beer was made and sold only in BC.

Danny said we were home sick, so we left the party, hopped in his car with his dog and started the long drive back home to Montreal.

The last memory flash I have of that trip is passing a road sign that said Indian Head, Saskatchewan up ahead 3KM. I can remember saying to Danny, “Like fuck! We ain’t stopping there!” Even the name of the town sounded scary. I don’t remember the ride at all up until then, which was 1,773 KM from where we had started.

I can’t be sure, but it seems like the same memory flash, seems like instantly after I said that I saw flashing police lights behind us. I can still see the police lights flashing in the dark.

The next thing I know for sure, is that I was on a small prisoners’ plane being brought to a provincial women’s jail called Pine Grove Correctional Center in Saskatchewan.

For many years I wouldn’t know what I had been charged with, I don’t even remember going through court; but today looking back at my criminal record, I know it was for being in possession of a narcotic; although, I’m still not sure for what kind.

I have a few memory flashes of Pine Grove Correctional Center. I don’t remember streams of events that took place. When I walked into the jail, everyone stared at me. It was a small room, dark and dingy, everyone just sitting around. I was 19 years old, blonde hair, and the only white woman for many miles, the rest of the women were native.

I didn’t want to stare at anyone, but I didn’t want to show that I was a scared little girl either. It’s a good thing the little kid system prepared me a bit for this. I now see I was raised for it.

At mealtimes, the food was brought from the kitchen placed on the table and all the inmates in the wing would just grab a plate and serve themselves. I lost some weight that’s for sure! I made sure I didn’t offend anyone by being too greedy, but at the same time not wanting to look like a scared kid who wouldn’t eat, so I took small portions of whatever was the closest to me.

I didn’t have any problems while there, because of my past I was used to the institution life, but juvenile detention centers were nothing compared to this prison. This was the real deal, rough looking women sitting around, some of them with scars running down their faces. Some of them were waiting trial dates for all kinds of misunderstandings like robbery, murder, prostitution, theft, drugs, and assault.

I found myself belonging in a world so full of violence, hatred, misunderstandings. I found myself once again locked behind bars surrounded by nice people who had turned hard over time, I was “home.”

Box #3 on home page, leads to writings page read more button..called

Welcome to The System Kid, you’ll fit in just fine.

I woke up suddenly in a panic. I could hear the sirens outside; I could see the red and blue lights flashing outside my window. I jumped out of bed fully dressed. I was upset with myself, I guess I fell asleep before the riot started.

Whenever the older kids planned a riot at Mount St Patrick’s Youth Centre, they’d tell us younger kids what to do. We always went to bed fully clothed under our bed sheets on riot nights, that way we could just jump up and join the riot when it was time. We were not supposed to fall asleep; we were expected to stay awake and wait for the signal the riot had started.

I ran to my bedroom door and opened it, just enough to poke my head out and look down the hallway to see what was going on. The screaming from the staff and the kids could still be heard over the fire alarms that had been pulled earlier as the official sign that the riot had started. I wanted to just close my door and go back to bed, riot nights were scary, anything could happen. But I knew if I did that the next day some of the kids would ask where I had been, and I didn’t want to go through that humiliation again. Sometimes I was allowed to be a kid, but other times I was expected to toughen up fast!

Just as one of the kids ran by my room a hand reached out and grabbed his hair, I jumped back petrified! The staff grabbed the kid’s hair to try and hold him, (that was their strategy, stop one kid at a time anyway you can.) The problem with that was when we saw a kid get caught, we would all attack the staff who had the kid under their control trying to free the trapped kid.

I could see smoke down the hall coming from the multiple fires that had been started by the other kids. The hallways were covered in water that had been thrown down to trip the staff as they ran. I turned just in time to see one of the staff slip and slide into the wall on her side.

The next thing I know I’m being held down by a few adult staff members. My throat is sore from screaming, I’m crying and starting to panic inside. my tummy is hurting and it’s hard to breathe. My head is rolling back and forth trying to fight the staff putting something into my mouth. I start to go in and out of consciousness, maybe tired? I woke up in my bed the next morning. It was my 10th birthday.